Monday, June 29, 2009

The Unwelcome Son-In-Law

I've done it this time. After twelve years of marriage and two kids I have finally done something so horrific, I very well may never be allowed to step foot in my in-laws home again. What could possibly be so horrible as to warrant this type of banishment you may ask? Well sit down and strap in, and please don't judge too harshly, I've been beaten enough.

I, the chef, did the unspeakable and very likely unpardonable act of what must surely be a desperate crazy person. That's the only way to explain my folly, legal temporary insanity, that will be my defense.

My Father-in-law has (had) a favorite television show that he was really excited for me to watch the other day. The show is called Operation Repo, and like the title states, is a show about people who repossess vehicles. Here is where my sin occurred. Before the show started I noticed a disclaimer stating that the show was a depiction of actual events, I didn't mention that to him. Every repossession that happened had either a fight, gun, naked blurry person running wildly, or midget in the scene. It struck me as maybe a little bit fake, just a little, but fake none the less.

Today we watched again, and again the same four types of scenes were portrayed for our viewing pleasure, and I must add, it is viewing pleasure at its best. Here is where my world fell apart. I may have mentioned the observations to those in attendance in the room. When that didn't seem to jar them from their fantasy I proceeded to pull up the internet and look up Operation Repo/fake, cause I knew it was. Ha..... I was most definitely correct, I knew bad acting when I saw it. Well little did I know what I had done. Here I had single-handedly ruined my father-in-laws once favorite show. He now didn't want anything to do with it. With each passing commercial he crept farther and farther from the tv and came back later and later after those commercials until finally he never returned at all.

Had I just looked past all the logical, common sense thoughts running through my head, I may have still been welcome in the home, but because of my adult a.d.d. which is still as yet undiagnosed but obvious to all, I am now an outcast in the home. My attempts at offering a real show such as our household favorite Wipe Out, also proved unappealing and unaccepted. Oh well maybe in another twelve years I can make it up to him.

Marathon Man

I'm running a marathon! There it is, I've said it and now I'm stuck. Actually the fact that I paid for it already, coupled with the fact that I'm a cheap skate when it comes to wasting money like that, pretty much makes it impossible to back out now.

I probably should take you back to the beginning with regards to my running career. Three years ago my sweet yet very subtle wife suggested we run in a local 5k race a few months out. Now the problem with that suggestion is that she doesn't run for anything unless it involves a cup of her favorite chocolate ice cream treat. See, instead of just coming out and saying "I'm not going to continue to buy you larger clothing anymore; even if the dryer keeps shrinking everything you own and not touching the rest of the families clothes" she suggested, rather subtly how fun it would be for us to run together hand in hand across the finish line. I'm sold on any hand in hand action and my mind skimmed over the running part altogether.

As I trained, I began to notice a rather large lack of training coming from my better half. No need to worry I thought, hand in hand remember, she said hand in hand. So on I pushed just knowing somewhere late at night or very early she must be putting in the miles as I was.

To make a long story short, my wife ran the race without training, no hand holding occurred as advertised, she never ran again and I became hooked. So last year I tried my wife's approach to running and signed up for the St. George Marathon. I used her no training plan just to see how it would hold up in a marathon. While it worked for the local 5k, I really don't recommend it for any distance farther than that.

So this year I vow to do better, should be easy since I can't do much worse. So after months of grueling mental training, I have decided to put that mental toughness I have built up to work and begin training physically. Besides, isn't there some law or rule about an object in motion staying that way and getting really fast or something?

If you happen to be up in the darkest hours of the night you may catch a glimpse of me in all my training glory. Sorry it has to be so late, some city ordinance about eye sores being illegal during daylight hours. I don't make the rules. Anyways give me a honk if you catch a glimpse. You'll either get a wave or a bird depending on which mile I'm on. Oh yeah one more thing. You might want to look into the price of stock for Rock Star Zero Carb drinks. Something tells me its about to go up.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Legendary Cornmelon

As a young boy growing up in southern Mississippi, I remember the summers spent excitedly following the traveling circus that made its way through many small towns in that day. My mind was filled with scenes of wonder and mystery, the bearded lady, five hundred pound infant, worlds smallest tap dancing couple, the Elephant Man and many other incredible and awe inspiring sights.

Driving through the small town of Hurricane my sister-in-law, whose name I will change to protect her privacy, noticed a wonder I can honestly say I never thought I would see again. In a humble tent by the side of a semi-busy road one could almost call dirt, stood a sign advertising the cornmelon. Ah the legendary cornmelon, the mere mention of the name brings back such fond memories.

As a parent it is the perfect food to serve to a child, the delicate combination of fruit and vegetable satisfies any child's dietary needs, trust me I am a chef. If your child doesn't like veggies, it doesn't matter because it can be classified as a fruit, don't like fruit, jackpot its now a veggie. Kids everywhere love to eat this amazing cornmelon for one very awesome side effect. Although it doesn't look much like corn going in, there can be no denying the power of the cornmelon coming out. It gently reminds all who are fortunate enough to taste this wonder that yes indeed it can be called corn. Perfection in a silky husk covered cornmelon.

My sister-in-law Genny (name has been changed) really had no idea what to make of the sign advertising such a delicacy. If any of you out there have never seen this marvelous fruvegetable please drive over and check them out, don't believe Genny or I? Check out the picture I snapped based on the tip she gave me.